Enough!

I have written a lot about this word, mostly in regard to contentment. Today this word fell fresh upon my soul. We had a celebration to wrap up a Woman's Bible Study on the book: The Good and Beautiful God by: James Bryan Smith. We stood and worshipped as a group in awe of our amazing God. The worship leaders sang over and over "You are beautiful!" It poured down in the sweetness of the music like rain in a desert. When they went on to sing, "I want to hear You say that I am enough," my tears began to flow freely.

One of the key lessons of the book is about replacing "false narratives" with "true narratives." This is a process of spiritual transformation in which we choose to let go of false beliefs about ourselves, God, and others, and welcome in the truth found in scripture. Over the past few years and through the process of this study, I have been working to release the feeling of being "less than." Instead, I receive and breathe in the truth "you are a beloved daughter of the Most High God." It is one thing to understand an idea in your head, and an entirely different thing to embody a belief. I have known this truth for several years, but in that moment of worship, something deeply broken and wounded in me was healed. The music was a spiritual pathway in which the truth of who God is settled into the cracks and crevices of me. I am eternally grateful!

We went around the circle and shared a word or truth that summed up the study. I chose "enough." In the past, that word evoked a strong negative emotion, and feelings of impatience and frustration. I would demand “suck it up and move on, already!” to the small wounded child within me. The new meaning the word took on was "IT IS FINISHED!"

The old story was made new within the context of the gospel and the work Jesus did on the cross. The slate has been cleared and finally I got it! My heart was filled with pure love, and a sweet sound whisperd in to the hardest to reach spaces…YOU are enough! This new narrative reveals the goodness and tender ways of God. Our God is a God who cares enough to cradle the weak and wounded into wholeness.

If every person received this truth deep into the depths of their souls, the world would be a better place. There would be no more striving and throat cutting to get the upper leg. We could all relax into a space of acceptance and love...a trusting place where we know and understand that we are ENOUGH because of what God did. It would feel like heaven on earth if we practiced less comparison, and more understanding. It is enough to be on a journey, stepping one foot in front of the other. YOU are enough because you were born!

Beam

When I went on my Kairos retreat my senior year of High School, I received letters of affirmation from people who loved me. The one that made me sob then and still echoes into my soul are the words from my Beloved Mother. My nickname has always been Bean..Jean Bean...String Bean...Beaner Bop...and many other variations of this lovely gassy substance.

The part of my mom's letter that sunk in was when she wrote "I should've named you Beam instead of Bean because you shine so bright!" This truth that my mom planted in me before I had the courage to believe it or the self-love to receive it, echoes like a lullabye in my soul. It whispers "Girl, you shine!" when I feel like a failure. It sparkles deep within me and invites my soul to dance. To bask in the light that is so obviously there. To embrace what is. To accept Truth at face value. To receive and be set free. Why is it so hard to do?

Jesus states "You are the light of the world!" Who me? Yes YOU! His message is for YOU. In fact if YOU were the only person left on planet Earth, He would have come and died just for YOU! He loves YOU that much! Drink it in, bask in it...SHINE ON!

Strength and Surrender

"Yoga is 50% strength and 50% surrender." Equal parts of each lead you to the sweet spot of "right effort." In the Yoga Sutras, Patanjali states "By the relaxation of effort in the pose, one merges with the infinite inside." All that we do on the mat with the postures is for a greater cause, that we may carry the practice into the world. During this posture or season of life of raising four children I have found many opportunities to practice surrendering to the middle ground of right effort. In times when everything in me shouts "push through" something deeper whispers "soften, feel, notice, surrender." This still small voice knows the way! I choose to surrender once again this morning.

It takes the practice and returning to this place called right effort again and again to change the patterns of behavior that make up who we are in the world. When we do or strive toward a goal which society praises we fall away from the deeply embedded truth of who we are, the infinite inside. And sometimes we must reach beyond our limits and fall flat on our faces before we even know where the edges lie. I used to get so frustrated with myself when I would overextend myself and fall out of balance. Instead, I am coming into a new season of grace and acceptance. Trusting an inner wisdom, that when things seem too chaotic, they are. So we draw back, turn inward, and breathe. Soften into the moment and know. Begin again! Just for today, in each moment can I find that place of right effort? It is a middle ground, a place where the pairs of opposites meet and do a sacred dance. The space between doing and yielding,action and rest, digging in and letting go. We experience this by committing ourselves to each moment and the daily tasks we are called to do. Can I commit for just today to be fully present for my children, and all the tasks that are required to keep my household in balance? Can I be present enough to lock eyes and connect to each person this day brings in my path? I will try! When I fall short, I will begin again. I like to end my yoga classes with a quote by a meditation teacher, Richard Miller: "In every moment we begin again, we accept and surrender. As we deepen our understanding and let our truth unfold, we pave the way for healing and transformation."

May it ever be so!

Change

Change
Becoming that which we are meant to be…
Takes time
Periods of darkness
Unknown
Perseverance

Growth
Inevitable
Slow and steady
Life changing
Subtle

Hope
Holding on with faith
Enjoying the ride
Embracing that which pains you
Stretching you to grow

Lift Up Your Voice!

Have you ever opened your mouth to speak and found that your voice was lost, perhaps buried deep inside. When I discovered I wanted to be a writer and a teacher I thought it would be impossible, because somewhere along the line, I lost my voice…as if it were choked right out of me. Yes, I could speak, order a pizza, answer simple questions, but my authentic voice, carrying my unique truth was covered with years of shame, fear, and self doubt. When that still small voice inside would try to eek its way to the surface, it was bombarded with the strength of a mighty army that bellowed within me; “SHUT UP!” this more powerful force thundered. It has taken years and loads of work to get to this time and space where I speak my personal truth with courage and invite others to do the same. It is not always easy, and sometimes it causes pain to myself or others. In the end, I am always glad that I did.

There is a fine line when learning to speak the truth with integrity. Many times I have spoken words I wish I could take back. It is like a life dance learning the rhythm and timing of when to speak and when to hold off and let time do its thing. One of the most influential tools which helped me to heal my broken voice would be morning pages. In Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way, she challenges you to wake up earlier every morning and spend about 15 minutes writing 3 pages in a standard sized notebook. This writing is not to be planned out or edited, but puked onto the page, or so it felt to me in the early stages. This was critical to my healing, because it “unsticks” the pipes. I was afraid to speak, because there was a lot of undiscovered junk at the top. When you have a safe place to vent and unload the goo at the surface, you find your truth has been buried underneath it all the while. When something is pressing on me, instead of getting into an argument, I am able to unload my jumbled thoughts onto a forgiving page. This process helped me to work through the layers of emotion to the core issue at hand. Suddenly, things become clearer and I am better able to articulate what I am feeling.
Now these pages have become a prayer space. That is not to say I am not still constantly working through the stuff that arises, but because I do it consistently, it doesn’t get tangled and stuck. Try it, you will like it!

In the bible, Jesus instructs us to love our neighbors as we love ourselves. This is demonstrated in thought, word, or deed. How are we using our words to show love? It also says in the book of James that we should be slow to speak, slow to anger, and quick to listen. One night, after bible study, I went away feeling terrible, because another woman and I did not see eye to eye. When I tried to articulate my point, she got all worked up and defensive, to the point of tears. That night, at home, I prayed that God would help me, and teach me the error of my way. This prayer led me to the book of James, where I read on to see the analogy of a tongue being like a tiny rudder on a mighty ship. Such a small part has great power to build or destroy. The tongue is also compared to a small spark which is capable of starting an entire forest on fire. I surrendered my tongue that night.
Shortly after, in anatomy training with Tias Little, I learned about right speech. In order for any word to pass through these lips, they must now pass through 3 gates. Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary? This is very helpful, but a process nonetheless. I find myself countless times a day failing in this area. Getting back up on the horse, I persevere and pray that I will establish self control of the tongue.

Many times, it is not what I say, but how it is said, that causes the greatest offense. I was raised in a large family, and sarcasm then, was a survival skill. It no longer serves me, so like an old scarf; I choose to throw it away. My goal for my speech is only that which is true, kind and necessary, positive and helpful in building others up.
Great courage and strength are required on this journey. My voice which was broken is healed, but I feel as though I am on wobbly legs, moving forward. Practice is the best trick. If I can speak the truth with integrity, starting with the little things, it will transfer to the bigger more challenging issues that arise. Imagine a world in which every individual spoke the truth from a place of love.
In yoga, one of the yamas or moral restraints is ahimsa which translates – do no harm. This is quite a challenging ideal to live up to because our thoughts, words, and deeds have affects that ripple out beyond our limited awareness. My 13 year old son challenges me in this area countless times a day. After meditating and coming to a place of absolute peace and calm. I only need spend 10 minutes in the fire of his presence before I am re-acting and speaking from a place of hurt, frustration, and anger. After he walks out the door, I realize what I should have said and not said and how my tone was hurtful or condescending. We are called to be the light of the world regardless of how the people around us are behaving. My prayer, like that of St. Francis is, Lord, make me a channel of Your peace.

Martin Luther King Jr., in his 1958 “Experiment in Love” speech spoke these profound words : “It may well be that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition is not the glaring noisiness of the so-called bad people, but the appalling silence of the so-called good people.” Today, don’t miss an opportunity to lift up your voice for the good of all mankind. Say sorry, pass on a kind word, or confront injustice. Speak your truth with love courageously!

SOAR

Let the story be free
Like a butterfly or flee
Flitting and fluttering
Springing forth
The world needs your story
Your prana…life force
Unique blend
Especially you
No one else in the world
Does just what you do
Your sparkle and shine
Is like none before
Don’t be afraid
Open the door
Crash through the floor
The ceiling, the window if you dare
Just do it, friend,
There’s no time to spare
The adventure’s begun
You life’s come undone
Surrender…
bask in the flow
Let go…
Believe
Your dream!

…to fly
…to teach
…to travel
…to pray
Just do it today!

Imagine a world where you can be you
…and happy and free and true

Like a poem, a story…
Your life
And mine
Divine and uniquely designed
…intertwined
Patchwork quilt
Kaleidoscope
Broken bits reflect great light
Beauty, brilliance, fire!

Content

When the pebble hits the water, the ripples come
Small and growing
Echoing…
All around
This is how the peace enters in…
Like a balloon, it “POPS!” the confusion
Illusion…
Entangles
Suffocates
Then, like the break of dawn…
It arrives!
Divinity riding on the breath
On a long board…
Dreads flappin in the breeze
Just the distraction…
Pulling me away from the mind made prison
Coaxing me, lulling me, drawing me in to this…
Perfect
Place and space
“BE HERE NOW!”
It whispers…
Echoes…
Echoes…
Echoes…
Deep breath in…slipping
Long breath out…surrendering
In the light…
Out control
Let go!
Remote control
Held…holding
Praying
Knowing
Here…now
Surrounded…supported
Growing…glowing
Unfolding
Comforted…in the eyes of a child
Warm embrace…heavenly space