Growth

I can still remember the day I stepped over the crippling fear of teaching yoga. Afraid of failing, of not measuring up, of not delivering a good enough class, of someone getting hurt, and on and on. While on a yoga retreat in Mexico with my mentor, Gabriel Halpern, we participated in a ritual where we walked some distance with a stone in our sandal. At the end of the journey, we were asked what stumbling stone we were carrying....mine was fear. I buried it in the sand and left it in Mexico. I wish it were that easy. Debilitating fear continued to press in on me like the black cloud of doom. Then one morning, several months later, in a journal exercise, I truly stepped out of this self made prison. Not quite sure what triggered and broke free, but the fear was gone. In its place was excitement and joy. For a long time after that day, the fear lurked and pressed, but it no longer had power over me. I continued to grow as a teacher regardless of the self doubt. With each class, the fear continues to fade farther and farther away.

There is still a tendency to cling on to the comfortable. The opposite of this tendency is called aparigraha, or non-grasping, in yoga. At the completion of my 200hr. teacher training, I asked my teacher, Rolf Gates, about a dilemma I was having. This same topic challenged me for too long. He remembered my asking a similar question several months prior. "As long as you cling, you will suffer" were his wise words. His response gave me the courage to let go of the comfortable and to take a risk...leaping out into the unknown with hopeful anticipation of growing into the teacher God created me to be. I am still trying to figure it out. There are so many things and aspects about the practice that I want to share with the world that it often overwhelms me. I am daily sitting and praying for guidance and wisdom as I courageously step out in faith....day by day into unknown and uncharted territory. Delighted to find that I am held and supported in a community of believers.

Yesterday, my dear friend, Martha, shared a quote by Douglas Steere that has settled into my bones and caused me to ponder. "There comes a time when the smorgasbord is over and you feel the noose of God tightening around your capacities while you are being drawn into the joyous agony of co-creation with God." It brings such comfort to know I am held tightly as in a vise or noose, so that I will not wander as I am so prone to do, from the path God has created for me. The joy and wonder and hopeful anticipation that this idea whispers into my soul is almost unbearable. Could an all powerful omnipotent creator care to have me as a partner? It seems preposterous and delightful. As I grow into this next chapter, preparing for my youngest to start full day kindergarten in less than a year, I surrender myself and the work of these hands to God. Each day re-committing to the path: "Not my will, but Thy will be done, Oh Lord!" May it ever be so!

Shine Out

"There is a force within which gives you life - seek that.

In your body lies a priceless gem - seek that.

Oh wandering soul, if you want to find the greatest treasure don't look outside,

look inside - seek that."

-Rumi

It is human nature to serve others. If someone is hurt the natural tendancy is to help. This was made evident as the whole world scrambled to help those suffering in Heiti. In serving others, it is easy to get burned out and miss the joy. To give joyfully, it is important to first fill the reserves. When you sit in stillness you connect to source and recognize truth and abundence. From this place, grace may flow through you into the lives of those in need.

In yoga, we were taught muscular integration. This is when you recruit muscular energy by drawing into a central focal point in the body (i.e.solar plexus). From this place of power you shine that energy back out to fuel the pose. It works magic and suddenly you are able to relax into the poses almost effortlessly. This, like all of life, is about stepping into the flow of grace. So many times we swim upstream, gasping and flailing, wondering why we can't catch a break. We choose to live life from a place of poverty consciousness. Then one day, we awaken to the fact that maybe there is a better way.

When describing the practice of meditation, my teacher, Rolf Gates, said "It is doing the one thing that takes care of the 100 things." So as we voraciously attack the to do list, we get to the bottom only to find that the list has multiplied and there will always be more to do. This leaves a feeling of frustration and discontent. It robs you of your peace and leaves you striving even more diligently to get it all done.

Thomas Kelly says "Life from the center is one of unhurried peace and power." This is where I would love to come from, but the work is hard and persistant. As the demands of life ebb and flow I am quick to fall off the mat and the cushion putting my spiritual practice on the back burner. This is when I suffer. Instead, commit to the practice and live life from the center. You will be glad you did.