Growth

I can still remember the day I stepped over the crippling fear of teaching yoga. Afraid of failing, of not measuring up, of not delivering a good enough class, of someone getting hurt, and on and on. While on a yoga retreat in Mexico with my mentor, Gabriel Halpern, we participated in a ritual where we walked some distance with a stone in our sandal. At the end of the journey, we were asked what stumbling stone we were carrying....mine was fear. I buried it in the sand and left it in Mexico. I wish it were that easy. Debilitating fear continued to press in on me like the black cloud of doom. Then one morning, several months later, in a journal exercise, I truly stepped out of this self made prison. Not quite sure what triggered and broke free, but the fear was gone. In its place was excitement and joy. For a long time after that day, the fear lurked and pressed, but it no longer had power over me. I continued to grow as a teacher regardless of the self doubt. With each class, the fear continues to fade farther and farther away.

There is still a tendency to cling on to the comfortable. The opposite of this tendency is called aparigraha, or non-grasping, in yoga. At the completion of my 200hr. teacher training, I asked my teacher, Rolf Gates, about a dilemma I was having. This same topic challenged me for too long. He remembered my asking a similar question several months prior. "As long as you cling, you will suffer" were his wise words. His response gave me the courage to let go of the comfortable and to take a risk...leaping out into the unknown with hopeful anticipation of growing into the teacher God created me to be. I am still trying to figure it out. There are so many things and aspects about the practice that I want to share with the world that it often overwhelms me. I am daily sitting and praying for guidance and wisdom as I courageously step out in faith....day by day into unknown and uncharted territory. Delighted to find that I am held and supported in a community of believers.

Yesterday, my dear friend, Martha, shared a quote by Douglas Steere that has settled into my bones and caused me to ponder. "There comes a time when the smorgasbord is over and you feel the noose of God tightening around your capacities while you are being drawn into the joyous agony of co-creation with God." It brings such comfort to know I am held tightly as in a vise or noose, so that I will not wander as I am so prone to do, from the path God has created for me. The joy and wonder and hopeful anticipation that this idea whispers into my soul is almost unbearable. Could an all powerful omnipotent creator care to have me as a partner? It seems preposterous and delightful. As I grow into this next chapter, preparing for my youngest to start full day kindergarten in less than a year, I surrender myself and the work of these hands to God. Each day re-committing to the path: "Not my will, but Thy will be done, Oh Lord!" May it ever be so!

Hiding

Ready or not, here I come! I have neglected the blog for many months. It feels great to return to an empty canvas of unlimited possibilities. Originally I planned on writing every other week and when the chaos at home spun into high geer I let it fall by the wayside. Like an old forgotten friend I return. Here I re-evaluate...why have I come? It is a pathway to Spirit. When I write, I draw closer to God. It is an invitation to the pulse within me. I lost focus and began to write for the wrong reasons and then it became one more thing that I couldn't keep up with, like the laundry. May the precious gift of writing never again be lumped together with the laundry...that which I have a strong aversion to.

Much can be gleened from the periods of hiding if you have the courage to walk through the darkness. Fear is the dragon at my heel who wants to keep me small and stuck in the goo. It has called my name and seduced me into a smallness dance repeatedly. Every time I gain wisdom, and step into my power, I bid the fear goodbye. Inevitably, it returns when I am least suspecting. My teacher says, "what you resist persists" this is an invitation to embrace that which is. To stand face to face with the undesirable parts is a challenge and a gift, because once you stand up to fear or whatever your shadow may be, it loses power and you gain the power and strength to learn from it.

In yoga, one of the 5 afflictions, or reasons people suffer is called dvesa or aversion. As long as our energy is caught up pushing things away (like fear or laundry) we are unable to be fully present for the precious gift and wonder of this moment. So in pushing away the blog, I have suffered, because it truly is a healthy place to grow and bring to light that which is.

Embracing the Darkness

Stepping out of the darkness and into the light has been my focus. Yesterday at yoga class, the teacher emphasized the importance of the darkness. If it weren't for the darkness you couldn't appreciate or even recognize the light. One of the most beautiful sunsets I have experienced appeared amidst the most dark and luminous storm clouds. It is the dark that accentuates the light.

Learning to accept and embrace my shadow or my dark side continues to be a process. It is so much easier to put on my smiley face, stuff the "junk" in the closet and pretend it doesn't exist. There is power when the two exist as one. When you can sit with the unpleasant as well as the pleasant you are freed from the shadow's disabling grip.

Look your shadow in the face and identify it. One of the aspects of the dark monkey who lives on my back is fear. Try as I do to shake it loose it has a stronghold on me. When I am weak it whispers... "you can't, you won't, don't bother trying." When I am strong it shouts and shakes its fist at me. Through the process of bending toward the light and embracing the darkness, fear is not as daunting as it once was. Now, when I feel the dread and self-doubt that tries to pin my down, I stop and acknowledge it. Oh hello, fear, it's you again. I accept it for what it is... an old way that no longer serves me. As long as I choose not to wrestle with it. It leaves me alone to continue on my spiritual path. Marian Williamson wrote, "The spiritual journey is the relinquishing or unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts."

When the darkness comes, it is my tendency to curl up in a ball and shield my heart and soul, protecting myself under a hard shell until the storm passes. After the recent loss of our Happy dog, I tried something new. I intentionally tried to stay open to the teaching of the loss. With arms wide open...I accepted the loss. Breathing in to the vast space of pain and suffering I opened my heart and received grace.

Grace has many faces. The face of a dear friend with sparkling blue eyes welling up with tears whispering I feel your pain, I am sorry for your loss...you are understood. "A thousand blessings" brownies baked and delivered with hugs. The faces of your children who grieve so openly and whole heartedly. The face of God found in a community of believers which picks you up and tells you you are not alone. The smiley face balloon...a reminder that Happy lives on. The tracks in the snow that remind you of the joyous life that was lived.

Life goes on and so must we. As we go on bending toward the light choose to embrace and appreciate the darkness.