Growth

I can still remember the day I stepped over the crippling fear of teaching yoga. Afraid of failing, of not measuring up, of not delivering a good enough class, of someone getting hurt, and on and on. While on a yoga retreat in Mexico with my mentor, Gabriel Halpern, we participated in a ritual where we walked some distance with a stone in our sandal. At the end of the journey, we were asked what stumbling stone we were carrying....mine was fear. I buried it in the sand and left it in Mexico. I wish it were that easy. Debilitating fear continued to press in on me like the black cloud of doom. Then one morning, several months later, in a journal exercise, I truly stepped out of this self made prison. Not quite sure what triggered and broke free, but the fear was gone. In its place was excitement and joy. For a long time after that day, the fear lurked and pressed, but it no longer had power over me. I continued to grow as a teacher regardless of the self doubt. With each class, the fear continues to fade farther and farther away.

There is still a tendency to cling on to the comfortable. The opposite of this tendency is called aparigraha, or non-grasping, in yoga. At the completion of my 200hr. teacher training, I asked my teacher, Rolf Gates, about a dilemma I was having. This same topic challenged me for too long. He remembered my asking a similar question several months prior. "As long as you cling, you will suffer" were his wise words. His response gave me the courage to let go of the comfortable and to take a risk...leaping out into the unknown with hopeful anticipation of growing into the teacher God created me to be. I am still trying to figure it out. There are so many things and aspects about the practice that I want to share with the world that it often overwhelms me. I am daily sitting and praying for guidance and wisdom as I courageously step out in faith....day by day into unknown and uncharted territory. Delighted to find that I am held and supported in a community of believers.

Yesterday, my dear friend, Martha, shared a quote by Douglas Steere that has settled into my bones and caused me to ponder. "There comes a time when the smorgasbord is over and you feel the noose of God tightening around your capacities while you are being drawn into the joyous agony of co-creation with God." It brings such comfort to know I am held tightly as in a vise or noose, so that I will not wander as I am so prone to do, from the path God has created for me. The joy and wonder and hopeful anticipation that this idea whispers into my soul is almost unbearable. Could an all powerful omnipotent creator care to have me as a partner? It seems preposterous and delightful. As I grow into this next chapter, preparing for my youngest to start full day kindergarten in less than a year, I surrender myself and the work of these hands to God. Each day re-committing to the path: "Not my will, but Thy will be done, Oh Lord!" May it ever be so!

Somebody Has Got To Do Something About This!

It's midnight and I may not ever be able to fall asleep again because of the images that I just saw from the documentary: "The Cove." This movie features Ric O'Barry (from Flipper)fighting for the rights of Kaijii, Japan, dolphins who are being slaughtered by the thousands. Because I am so sensitive, I almost didn't watch it, but I am glad that I did. There is a website : savejapandolphins.org where you can learn more about the situation and find out how you can help. Please take a moment to help! Standing in truth and integrity makes the world a better place. Turning a blind eye to injustice, prolongs unnecessary suffering. Thank you for taking the time to courageously face this disturbing reality that needs your attention. This is just one of millions of causes and injustices that can bring you to tears.

Dolphins are pure beams of light. They have extremely high intelligence and are worthy of much respect. We as a human race have degraded and threateded them in ways that may be irreversible. I know I should do loads more research before I go on this rant, but I am just too fired up. On my bucket list was to swim with the dolphins. For as long as I can remember, I have felt such a strong spiritual connection to these enlightened animals. After finding out that those huge smiles upon their face are not a true indication of how they are feeling, it can never be done.

Ric O'Barry illustrates Dharma or fulfilling one's life's purpose in such a beautiful way. He is on a mission and will not be stopped. I am so thankful for the passion that he represents for a cause that is so close to my heart. Rainer Maria Rilke explains this concept beautifully: "Dig into yourself for a deep answer. If this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solomn question with a strong, simple, "I must", then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even down to its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse." What is it that tugs at your heart and begs for your help? For me, it is definately children, but I think on a deeper level it is any victim who is being mistreated... the underdog. Injustice of every color can be stopped if people will begin to awaken to the stories and the suffering around them. We can all do something to make a change.

Gratitude

"If the only prayer you say in your whole life is "THANK YOU," that would suffice." Meister Eckart

A thankful heart is the secret to true joy and abundance. This first became evident to me when I was in college and lost (in more ways than one!) I drove down an unfamiliar road as fear and anxiety crept in and began to take over. In a moment, everything changed. This was the first chapter of real spiritual awakening. A still small voice inside shook through the darkness and it spoke, "give thanks!" Tentatively, I responded. Shifting my thoughts from fear and uncertainty to love and thanksgiving has made all the difference. In that moment, I offered up a prayer: Lord, please show me the way! Then I proceeded to note all that I had to be thankful for. It began with the people closest to me and rippled out to nature and basic necessities and abilities that most people take for granted. This exercise was so powerful! Before long, I was back on track and arrived at the final destination on time with a jubilant spirit. Your thoughts create your reality, and in this instance, by the power of thanksgiving, my heart was forever changed!

During this week of thanksgiving, take some time to count your blessings. There is so much on this incredible earth to be thankful for. Every breath you take is a gift...stop and notice! Every person you encounter is a reminder of the interconnectedness of all beings. It is so easy to meander through life half awake and miss so many opportunities to connect and respond to a world in need. Once you realize how much you have, it is safe and liberating to loosen your grip and give freely to others who are not as fortunate. This does not have to be a monetary gift. You can make the world a better place by giving a smile, respect, clothes that no longer serve you, or your precious time and attention to people in need. Take a challenge to grow. Begin within by connecting to your breath and shift your perspective to the abundance that surrounds you. Open your eyes and hearts to see where in your world can you serve or give back for the abundance that you have been given.

"Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach."-Clarissa Pinkola Estes PhD

Hiding

Ready or not, here I come! I have neglected the blog for many months. It feels great to return to an empty canvas of unlimited possibilities. Originally I planned on writing every other week and when the chaos at home spun into high geer I let it fall by the wayside. Like an old forgotten friend I return. Here I re-evaluate...why have I come? It is a pathway to Spirit. When I write, I draw closer to God. It is an invitation to the pulse within me. I lost focus and began to write for the wrong reasons and then it became one more thing that I couldn't keep up with, like the laundry. May the precious gift of writing never again be lumped together with the laundry...that which I have a strong aversion to.

Much can be gleened from the periods of hiding if you have the courage to walk through the darkness. Fear is the dragon at my heel who wants to keep me small and stuck in the goo. It has called my name and seduced me into a smallness dance repeatedly. Every time I gain wisdom, and step into my power, I bid the fear goodbye. Inevitably, it returns when I am least suspecting. My teacher says, "what you resist persists" this is an invitation to embrace that which is. To stand face to face with the undesirable parts is a challenge and a gift, because once you stand up to fear or whatever your shadow may be, it loses power and you gain the power and strength to learn from it.

In yoga, one of the 5 afflictions, or reasons people suffer is called dvesa or aversion. As long as our energy is caught up pushing things away (like fear or laundry) we are unable to be fully present for the precious gift and wonder of this moment. So in pushing away the blog, I have suffered, because it truly is a healthy place to grow and bring to light that which is.

Go With The Flow

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Lately I have definately felt like a nut. When feeling out of balance, I don't want to do anything that I should or ought to do. I want to eat chocolate and sleep! Although yoga has helped keep me in balance, I still crumble into a heap at times & just can't pick myself up. These are the times when it is so hard to write and every time I do, my critic convinces me that it's crap so I hit delete and grab another bit of chocolate.

In funks like these the tendancy is to beat myself up. This prolongs the funk until something external finally breaks me out of it. This time it was a bright sunshiny spring like day.

The real reason we all suffer is called avidya or spiritual ignorance. We mistake the false self for the real, and step out of the flow of grace. Getting caught up in the head about this or that we fail to be present. It all comes down to a choice...to live from the inside out or the outside in?

It takes courage to commit to the path of spiritual growth. We must be willing to accept grace. It is one thing to give and quite another to humble yourself to receive this beautiful gift. A gift which whispers "you are enough" and "be here now." It is the voice of truth.

Going with the flow is knowing when to push and when to sit back and enjoy the ride or simetimes burrow. Listening inwardly you will know what each moment requires of you. After weeks of the funk in my trunk I am happy to be back in the flow of grace...finally able to hit the mat and the page with courage. It is stepping beyond mere survival into that which we are meant to be. Knowing all this, I will attest to the importance of accepting the crippling goo as part of the journey. As well as being gentle with your self in the process.

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

Shine Out

"There is a force within which gives you life - seek that.

In your body lies a priceless gem - seek that.

Oh wandering soul, if you want to find the greatest treasure don't look outside,

look inside - seek that."

-Rumi

It is human nature to serve others. If someone is hurt the natural tendancy is to help. This was made evident as the whole world scrambled to help those suffering in Heiti. In serving others, it is easy to get burned out and miss the joy. To give joyfully, it is important to first fill the reserves. When you sit in stillness you connect to source and recognize truth and abundence. From this place, grace may flow through you into the lives of those in need.

In yoga, we were taught muscular integration. This is when you recruit muscular energy by drawing into a central focal point in the body (i.e.solar plexus). From this place of power you shine that energy back out to fuel the pose. It works magic and suddenly you are able to relax into the poses almost effortlessly. This, like all of life, is about stepping into the flow of grace. So many times we swim upstream, gasping and flailing, wondering why we can't catch a break. We choose to live life from a place of poverty consciousness. Then one day, we awaken to the fact that maybe there is a better way.

When describing the practice of meditation, my teacher, Rolf Gates, said "It is doing the one thing that takes care of the 100 things." So as we voraciously attack the to do list, we get to the bottom only to find that the list has multiplied and there will always be more to do. This leaves a feeling of frustration and discontent. It robs you of your peace and leaves you striving even more diligently to get it all done.

Thomas Kelly says "Life from the center is one of unhurried peace and power." This is where I would love to come from, but the work is hard and persistant. As the demands of life ebb and flow I am quick to fall off the mat and the cushion putting my spiritual practice on the back burner. This is when I suffer. Instead, commit to the practice and live life from the center. You will be glad you did.

Love is...

"Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love never fails..." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

This definition of love, found in the Bible is read at many weddings including my own. When things are challenging between Kevin and I, I often refer back to this definition to assess where I may be falling short and how I may be able to love more completely. It is the ultimate challenge, but one worth fighting for. It is easy to pinpoint where your spouse or loved one is failing to meet your needs, but that doesn't usually help to change the problem. We can only change ourselves and when we love in this way and without conditions the problems melt away.

In yoga, we demonstrate love by observing the first two limbs of the practice which include the yamas (moral restraints), and niyamas (observances). These include: nonharming, honesty, nonstealing, moderation, nonhoarding, purity, contentment, zeal, self-awareness, and surrender. These provide a safe parameter in which to live and love in this world. In his book, Meditations from the Mat, Rolf Gates writes, "Love is being who we are born to be. Love is being who we are. The aim of yoga is to become still, to learn to reside in our truth. When we are surrendering to God, we are surrendering to the truth in us and the truth in all beings"

The first step to loving others is loving yourself. This is tied in with the first yama which is ahimsa or nonharming. It is easy to love your friends,but we must also learn to love ourselves in this same way. Since childhood, I was taught "Love your neighbor as your self." I thought I understood until a year ago when my friend explained that we are to love ourselves as we love our dearest friends. I am sure that you have a long record or internal dialog of every mistake you have made since birth. It is easy to become angry when you mess up...yet again. We can extend grace to our fellows, but won't allow ourselves to receive it. When you fail to love yourself, as God's finest creation, you are harming yourself and contributing to the worlds great suffering.

Love is a verb. Today, put in practice the love of self by doing something nice for you. There was a quote hanging in my first classroom which read, "When each person in the world takes better care of themselves, every person will feel better taken care of, and then we may finally begin to take better care of one another." It starts with you! Be patient, kind, forgiving and hopeful that today is the day when you realize that you are perfect and whole...a work in progress, formed in the very likeness of God. This is the truth of who you are. You are a reflection of God, and "God is Love." (1John4:8)