Growth

I can still remember the day I stepped over the crippling fear of teaching yoga. Afraid of failing, of not measuring up, of not delivering a good enough class, of someone getting hurt, and on and on. While on a yoga retreat in Mexico with my mentor, Gabriel Halpern, we participated in a ritual where we walked some distance with a stone in our sandal. At the end of the journey, we were asked what stumbling stone we were carrying....mine was fear. I buried it in the sand and left it in Mexico. I wish it were that easy. Debilitating fear continued to press in on me like the black cloud of doom. Then one morning, several months later, in a journal exercise, I truly stepped out of this self made prison. Not quite sure what triggered and broke free, but the fear was gone. In its place was excitement and joy. For a long time after that day, the fear lurked and pressed, but it no longer had power over me. I continued to grow as a teacher regardless of the self doubt. With each class, the fear continues to fade farther and farther away.

There is still a tendency to cling on to the comfortable. The opposite of this tendency is called aparigraha, or non-grasping, in yoga. At the completion of my 200hr. teacher training, I asked my teacher, Rolf Gates, about a dilemma I was having. This same topic challenged me for too long. He remembered my asking a similar question several months prior. "As long as you cling, you will suffer" were his wise words. His response gave me the courage to let go of the comfortable and to take a risk...leaping out into the unknown with hopeful anticipation of growing into the teacher God created me to be. I am still trying to figure it out. There are so many things and aspects about the practice that I want to share with the world that it often overwhelms me. I am daily sitting and praying for guidance and wisdom as I courageously step out in faith....day by day into unknown and uncharted territory. Delighted to find that I am held and supported in a community of believers.

Yesterday, my dear friend, Martha, shared a quote by Douglas Steere that has settled into my bones and caused me to ponder. "There comes a time when the smorgasbord is over and you feel the noose of God tightening around your capacities while you are being drawn into the joyous agony of co-creation with God." It brings such comfort to know I am held tightly as in a vise or noose, so that I will not wander as I am so prone to do, from the path God has created for me. The joy and wonder and hopeful anticipation that this idea whispers into my soul is almost unbearable. Could an all powerful omnipotent creator care to have me as a partner? It seems preposterous and delightful. As I grow into this next chapter, preparing for my youngest to start full day kindergarten in less than a year, I surrender myself and the work of these hands to God. Each day re-committing to the path: "Not my will, but Thy will be done, Oh Lord!" May it ever be so!

Somebody Has Got To Do Something About This!

It's midnight and I may not ever be able to fall asleep again because of the images that I just saw from the documentary: "The Cove." This movie features Ric O'Barry (from Flipper)fighting for the rights of Kaijii, Japan, dolphins who are being slaughtered by the thousands. Because I am so sensitive, I almost didn't watch it, but I am glad that I did. There is a website : savejapandolphins.org where you can learn more about the situation and find out how you can help. Please take a moment to help! Standing in truth and integrity makes the world a better place. Turning a blind eye to injustice, prolongs unnecessary suffering. Thank you for taking the time to courageously face this disturbing reality that needs your attention. This is just one of millions of causes and injustices that can bring you to tears.

Dolphins are pure beams of light. They have extremely high intelligence and are worthy of much respect. We as a human race have degraded and threateded them in ways that may be irreversible. I know I should do loads more research before I go on this rant, but I am just too fired up. On my bucket list was to swim with the dolphins. For as long as I can remember, I have felt such a strong spiritual connection to these enlightened animals. After finding out that those huge smiles upon their face are not a true indication of how they are feeling, it can never be done.

Ric O'Barry illustrates Dharma or fulfilling one's life's purpose in such a beautiful way. He is on a mission and will not be stopped. I am so thankful for the passion that he represents for a cause that is so close to my heart. Rainer Maria Rilke explains this concept beautifully: "Dig into yourself for a deep answer. If this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solomn question with a strong, simple, "I must", then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even down to its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse." What is it that tugs at your heart and begs for your help? For me, it is definately children, but I think on a deeper level it is any victim who is being mistreated... the underdog. Injustice of every color can be stopped if people will begin to awaken to the stories and the suffering around them. We can all do something to make a change.

Gratitude

"If the only prayer you say in your whole life is "THANK YOU," that would suffice." Meister Eckart

A thankful heart is the secret to true joy and abundance. This first became evident to me when I was in college and lost (in more ways than one!) I drove down an unfamiliar road as fear and anxiety crept in and began to take over. In a moment, everything changed. This was the first chapter of real spiritual awakening. A still small voice inside shook through the darkness and it spoke, "give thanks!" Tentatively, I responded. Shifting my thoughts from fear and uncertainty to love and thanksgiving has made all the difference. In that moment, I offered up a prayer: Lord, please show me the way! Then I proceeded to note all that I had to be thankful for. It began with the people closest to me and rippled out to nature and basic necessities and abilities that most people take for granted. This exercise was so powerful! Before long, I was back on track and arrived at the final destination on time with a jubilant spirit. Your thoughts create your reality, and in this instance, by the power of thanksgiving, my heart was forever changed!

During this week of thanksgiving, take some time to count your blessings. There is so much on this incredible earth to be thankful for. Every breath you take is a gift...stop and notice! Every person you encounter is a reminder of the interconnectedness of all beings. It is so easy to meander through life half awake and miss so many opportunities to connect and respond to a world in need. Once you realize how much you have, it is safe and liberating to loosen your grip and give freely to others who are not as fortunate. This does not have to be a monetary gift. You can make the world a better place by giving a smile, respect, clothes that no longer serve you, or your precious time and attention to people in need. Take a challenge to grow. Begin within by connecting to your breath and shift your perspective to the abundance that surrounds you. Open your eyes and hearts to see where in your world can you serve or give back for the abundance that you have been given.

"Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world all at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach."-Clarissa Pinkola Estes PhD

Hiding

Ready or not, here I come! I have neglected the blog for many months. It feels great to return to an empty canvas of unlimited possibilities. Originally I planned on writing every other week and when the chaos at home spun into high geer I let it fall by the wayside. Like an old forgotten friend I return. Here I re-evaluate...why have I come? It is a pathway to Spirit. When I write, I draw closer to God. It is an invitation to the pulse within me. I lost focus and began to write for the wrong reasons and then it became one more thing that I couldn't keep up with, like the laundry. May the precious gift of writing never again be lumped together with the laundry...that which I have a strong aversion to.

Much can be gleened from the periods of hiding if you have the courage to walk through the darkness. Fear is the dragon at my heel who wants to keep me small and stuck in the goo. It has called my name and seduced me into a smallness dance repeatedly. Every time I gain wisdom, and step into my power, I bid the fear goodbye. Inevitably, it returns when I am least suspecting. My teacher says, "what you resist persists" this is an invitation to embrace that which is. To stand face to face with the undesirable parts is a challenge and a gift, because once you stand up to fear or whatever your shadow may be, it loses power and you gain the power and strength to learn from it.

In yoga, one of the 5 afflictions, or reasons people suffer is called dvesa or aversion. As long as our energy is caught up pushing things away (like fear or laundry) we are unable to be fully present for the precious gift and wonder of this moment. So in pushing away the blog, I have suffered, because it truly is a healthy place to grow and bring to light that which is.

Go With The Flow

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. Lately I have definately felt like a nut. When feeling out of balance, I don't want to do anything that I should or ought to do. I want to eat chocolate and sleep! Although yoga has helped keep me in balance, I still crumble into a heap at times & just can't pick myself up. These are the times when it is so hard to write and every time I do, my critic convinces me that it's crap so I hit delete and grab another bit of chocolate.

In funks like these the tendancy is to beat myself up. This prolongs the funk until something external finally breaks me out of it. This time it was a bright sunshiny spring like day.

The real reason we all suffer is called avidya or spiritual ignorance. We mistake the false self for the real, and step out of the flow of grace. Getting caught up in the head about this or that we fail to be present. It all comes down to a choice...to live from the inside out or the outside in?

It takes courage to commit to the path of spiritual growth. We must be willing to accept grace. It is one thing to give and quite another to humble yourself to receive this beautiful gift. A gift which whispers "you are enough" and "be here now." It is the voice of truth.

Going with the flow is knowing when to push and when to sit back and enjoy the ride or simetimes burrow. Listening inwardly you will know what each moment requires of you. After weeks of the funk in my trunk I am happy to be back in the flow of grace...finally able to hit the mat and the page with courage. It is stepping beyond mere survival into that which we are meant to be. Knowing all this, I will attest to the importance of accepting the crippling goo as part of the journey. As well as being gentle with your self in the process.

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:13-14

Shine Out

"There is a force within which gives you life - seek that.

In your body lies a priceless gem - seek that.

Oh wandering soul, if you want to find the greatest treasure don't look outside,

look inside - seek that."

-Rumi

It is human nature to serve others. If someone is hurt the natural tendancy is to help. This was made evident as the whole world scrambled to help those suffering in Heiti. In serving others, it is easy to get burned out and miss the joy. To give joyfully, it is important to first fill the reserves. When you sit in stillness you connect to source and recognize truth and abundence. From this place, grace may flow through you into the lives of those in need.

In yoga, we were taught muscular integration. This is when you recruit muscular energy by drawing into a central focal point in the body (i.e.solar plexus). From this place of power you shine that energy back out to fuel the pose. It works magic and suddenly you are able to relax into the poses almost effortlessly. This, like all of life, is about stepping into the flow of grace. So many times we swim upstream, gasping and flailing, wondering why we can't catch a break. We choose to live life from a place of poverty consciousness. Then one day, we awaken to the fact that maybe there is a better way.

When describing the practice of meditation, my teacher, Rolf Gates, said "It is doing the one thing that takes care of the 100 things." So as we voraciously attack the to do list, we get to the bottom only to find that the list has multiplied and there will always be more to do. This leaves a feeling of frustration and discontent. It robs you of your peace and leaves you striving even more diligently to get it all done.

Thomas Kelly says "Life from the center is one of unhurried peace and power." This is where I would love to come from, but the work is hard and persistant. As the demands of life ebb and flow I am quick to fall off the mat and the cushion putting my spiritual practice on the back burner. This is when I suffer. Instead, commit to the practice and live life from the center. You will be glad you did.

Love is...

"Love is patient,
Love is kind.
It does not envy,
it does not boast,
it is not proud.
It is not rude,
it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.
Love never fails..." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

This definition of love, found in the Bible is read at many weddings including my own. When things are challenging between Kevin and I, I often refer back to this definition to assess where I may be falling short and how I may be able to love more completely. It is the ultimate challenge, but one worth fighting for. It is easy to pinpoint where your spouse or loved one is failing to meet your needs, but that doesn't usually help to change the problem. We can only change ourselves and when we love in this way and without conditions the problems melt away.

In yoga, we demonstrate love by observing the first two limbs of the practice which include the yamas (moral restraints), and niyamas (observances). These include: nonharming, honesty, nonstealing, moderation, nonhoarding, purity, contentment, zeal, self-awareness, and surrender. These provide a safe parameter in which to live and love in this world. In his book, Meditations from the Mat, Rolf Gates writes, "Love is being who we are born to be. Love is being who we are. The aim of yoga is to become still, to learn to reside in our truth. When we are surrendering to God, we are surrendering to the truth in us and the truth in all beings"

The first step to loving others is loving yourself. This is tied in with the first yama which is ahimsa or nonharming. It is easy to love your friends,but we must also learn to love ourselves in this same way. Since childhood, I was taught "Love your neighbor as your self." I thought I understood until a year ago when my friend explained that we are to love ourselves as we love our dearest friends. I am sure that you have a long record or internal dialog of every mistake you have made since birth. It is easy to become angry when you mess up...yet again. We can extend grace to our fellows, but won't allow ourselves to receive it. When you fail to love yourself, as God's finest creation, you are harming yourself and contributing to the worlds great suffering.

Love is a verb. Today, put in practice the love of self by doing something nice for you. There was a quote hanging in my first classroom which read, "When each person in the world takes better care of themselves, every person will feel better taken care of, and then we may finally begin to take better care of one another." It starts with you! Be patient, kind, forgiving and hopeful that today is the day when you realize that you are perfect and whole...a work in progress, formed in the very likeness of God. This is the truth of who you are. You are a reflection of God, and "God is Love." (1John4:8)

To Be

To be fully present...this is a gift!

My dear friend and fellow writer, Meg, inspired this blog entry with the following quote:)
"Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open." Alexander Graham Bell

This week, because I was willing to stay present and take a huge risk, we welcomed a new member into our family. Toby is a nine week old yellow lab.

Since Happy died, there has been a gaping hole and the inevitable reality that we are a dog family and at some point we would need to get back on the horse and risk to love again. My vote was wait til spring (at least!) Kevin and Jeremy went on line immediately to find the next dog. Ian said he never wanted a dog again because it hurts too much to lose him. Ellie wanted a new dog for her birthday (summer). And Rachel wanted a cat...go figure!

One week after we broke the horrible news to the kids, we had a shelter dog, Trenton, in the living room with the potential of staying with us for foster care and possible adoption. This is something that Kevin arranged and came as a huge surprise to me. This 70 lb. lab/husky mix has been in a cage his whole life and in the course of a one hour visit he demonstrated the many facets of his personality, including: playful, timid, and wild. After he knocked Ellie face down into the snow for the second time, we all agreed that this might not be the best dog for our family.

Two weeks later, Kevin asked in the sweetest and most beautiful voice, "Can I have a puppy for my birthday?" He was lying in bed and unable to sleep due to a broken heart. "Of course!" was the only response. How do you say no to the man of the house?

His birthday is a month away, so I decided to do a preliminary search to see what was out there. He really wanted another lab, so I began looking for lab rescues and ended up on a web sight similar to craig's list. There was a post for 3 lab pups right here in Fox River Grove. I decided to go take a peek. The house was one block away & inside there were the most adorable black, chocolate and yellow labs I had ever seen. The yellow lab was definitely the pick of the litter. Although when I met him, he was too shy to say hello, I knew he was a gift from above. When Kevin came home from work, I said why don't you walk around the block & meet the pups. We brought the puppy home later that night.

Who would have thought you could love and welcome another into your heart while the wound of the loss is still so fresh and deep? As I stood staring at the closed door, remembering the good old days, Kevin reminded me that there is no perfect time to jump. You just have to leap and trust that the net will appear. We follow our hearts and trust that they will not fail us. As I dove face first into the next open door there was no doubt that this was the place to be.

His name is Toby. Ellie chose the name...after her first love in her Kindergarten class. We all agreed that this was the right name for our little angel. I wanted to call him Tejas...meaning light. But the more I reflect on his name, the more I realize its symbolism... Toby - to be. To be fully present. Isn't this the biggest lesson the dog brings? They are absolutely enveloped in each moment... ever leading the way to peace.

Dog is God spelled backward and this is no mistake. I believe this warmth and bliss called puppy is one of the many faces and reflections of the love of God. His love, pure and true, is reassurance that we must move on. We must run, dive, leap, crawl, and do whatever we have to do to catch that next open door before it is too late. Coulda shoulda woulda will get you nowhere! The time is now, the place is here, and you are the one that gets to be fully present to enjoy the miraculous moment. The love that spun you into existence is still right here with you every step of the way, every moment of the day. Why don't you tune in your senses, and open your heart to receive the abundance of the universe?

Let it Ripple

"Reach out your hand, if your cup be empty.


If your cup is full, may it be again.


Let it be known...


there is a fountain, that was not made by the hands of men.


There is a road...


no simple highway, between the dawn and the dark of night.


And if you go, no one may follow.


That path is for your steps alone.


Ripple in still water...


When there is no pebble tossed, nor wind to blow.


You who choose to lead, must follow...


but if you fall, you fall alone.


And if you stand, then who's to guide you?


If I knew the way, I would take you home."
Lyrics from the song Ripple by The Grateful Dead


That song stirs up memories of a time in life when I was lost and searching, connected, yet so alone. I was scared, yet bold enough to explore new paths and begin to find out who I was. This was the beginning of the journey toward the truth of who I am. While on this path, there have been many wrong turns, pitfalls, and lessons learned. The beauty of the path, is that it is always there. Though you may wander, and choose the path of suffering, the true path to liberation and freedom remain unmoving.

In yoga, this path is called your Dharma or life's purpose. Each person has a unique path that only he or she can fulfill. Once you step onto this path, "the universe conspires to make it happen." (from the book, The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho) The good news is if you are truly on the right path you are supported and guided from within. Your intuition will guide you once you learn to tap in and to hear that still small voice inside. The art of listening must be cultivated through practice and perseverance. How do you discern which voice is the voice of truth or if you are going insane to be hearing voices? This is an excellent question. For me this has come through the process of getting to know He who calls my name. The voice of Spirit is a voice I have come to know and love through years of prayer and searching. It is through a leap of faith and trusting that there is a Creator of this amazing universe who knows me and loves me and cares about the intimate details of my life. When I cry out, He is there...right in the center of my soul.

This place I call center is where we are to let it ripple from. If we let our surface or countless layers thereafter ripple into the world we are missing the point. The true gift we have to give is uniquely ours and comes only from the center.

I have found that it goes both ways. Like the breath flowing in and out, so does this beauty and grace flow to and away from our center. In the Tao Te Ching it is written, that "The only true movement is return." So once we learn to tap into this sacred fountain that was not made by the hands of men, it must be a continual journey to return to from where we have come. Rolf Gates writes, "The point of spiritual practice is to make us teachable, to open our hearts, and focus our awareness so that we can know what we know already and be who we already are...The heroe's journey is a journey inward."

Living into your dharma is to leave your mark on this world. Doing this takes courage. Sometimes it is much easier to stay stuck than to deal with the growing pains of stepping into the truth of who you are. Although staying stuck is tricky and sticky it is somehow familiar and comforting. It is better to fly free than to be comfortable. The world needs you! The one of a kind, uniquely designed, wonderful, spectacular, YOU!

How will you change the world? By living into your dharma or life's purpose you will inspire others to do the same. In doing so, fear and people and life will try to beat you down. The wind may whip at your face and the ice will slip up your feet, but then you need only remember that you are held in the mighty right hand of an omnipotent God. The one who formed you in your mother's womb and knows how many hairs are on your head has a plan for YOU! "A plan to prosper you and not to harm you, a plan to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

A wise friend named Martha once told me, "Courage is fear with feet." So today, I encourage you to put those stompin' shoes on your feet and let the truth of who you are ripple forth into a world in need. Have faith that you are not alone. Have wisdom to know when it is time to stop courageously dancing forward and when it is time to return...rest...recharge. Be humble enough to reach out your hand if your cup is empty and trust in the abundence of the universe to fill the cup to overflowing.

Embracing the Darkness

Stepping out of the darkness and into the light has been my focus. Yesterday at yoga class, the teacher emphasized the importance of the darkness. If it weren't for the darkness you couldn't appreciate or even recognize the light. One of the most beautiful sunsets I have experienced appeared amidst the most dark and luminous storm clouds. It is the dark that accentuates the light.

Learning to accept and embrace my shadow or my dark side continues to be a process. It is so much easier to put on my smiley face, stuff the "junk" in the closet and pretend it doesn't exist. There is power when the two exist as one. When you can sit with the unpleasant as well as the pleasant you are freed from the shadow's disabling grip.

Look your shadow in the face and identify it. One of the aspects of the dark monkey who lives on my back is fear. Try as I do to shake it loose it has a stronghold on me. When I am weak it whispers... "you can't, you won't, don't bother trying." When I am strong it shouts and shakes its fist at me. Through the process of bending toward the light and embracing the darkness, fear is not as daunting as it once was. Now, when I feel the dread and self-doubt that tries to pin my down, I stop and acknowledge it. Oh hello, fear, it's you again. I accept it for what it is... an old way that no longer serves me. As long as I choose not to wrestle with it. It leaves me alone to continue on my spiritual path. Marian Williamson wrote, "The spiritual journey is the relinquishing or unlearning of fear and the acceptance of love back into our hearts."

When the darkness comes, it is my tendency to curl up in a ball and shield my heart and soul, protecting myself under a hard shell until the storm passes. After the recent loss of our Happy dog, I tried something new. I intentionally tried to stay open to the teaching of the loss. With arms wide open...I accepted the loss. Breathing in to the vast space of pain and suffering I opened my heart and received grace.

Grace has many faces. The face of a dear friend with sparkling blue eyes welling up with tears whispering I feel your pain, I am sorry for your loss...you are understood. "A thousand blessings" brownies baked and delivered with hugs. The faces of your children who grieve so openly and whole heartedly. The face of God found in a community of believers which picks you up and tells you you are not alone. The smiley face balloon...a reminder that Happy lives on. The tracks in the snow that remind you of the joyous life that was lived.

Life goes on and so must we. As we go on bending toward the light choose to embrace and appreciate the darkness.